Michelle Steiner

The word disability is not a term that some people are comfortable using. The term implies more of what a person can’t do, rather than what they can. In attempts to not offend a person with a disability, people often take the extreme of using terms such as “handicapable,” or “special” to describe a person with a disability. How a person with a disability describes their disability is a personal preference. Some people with disabilities may feel comfortable using the term disability, while others may prefer another term. The problems begin when people without disabilities begin using euphemisms to describe a disability in attempts to categorize a disability, creating ableism. Ableism is a discrimination of people with disabilities, preferring people who aren’t disabled. When people neglect to use the term “disability” unless otherwise noted it is a person’s individual preference, it widens the gap between people with and without disabilities.

Many people don’t understand that when you get labeled with a disability, it can often be messy and confusing. A diagnosis may give answers and strategies to help, but it can also lead to more unanswered questions. Often what looks like what will work on paper doesn’t turn out that way in real life. I have had people try to plan my life based on my disability diagnosis. People would tell me that because of my math abilities I could not handle college. I was pushed to go to vocational school even though nothing interested me. When I decided to go to college, despite having a disability, people told me I wouldn’t go beyond community college and my job choices would be limited.

I have also had people try to decide who I was going to have a relationship with based on my disability status. I can remember a guy encouraging me to pursue a relationship with someone solely because he had a disability as well. He said that I should date him because “God put us on equal footing with having a disability.” The man was considerably older and had a different disability. He liked me and was a nice guy, but I didn’t share those feelings for him. I have also experienced other situations where people have said that I should be with a person who had a disability. None of these relationships with another person with a disability have worked. A disability is only one part of who the person is, not the whole individual. I wasn’t looking to marry a disability, but a person who I wanted to share my life with. I have known couples where one person had a disability, and the other person did not have one. I have also known couples where both people had disabilities.

A diagnosis may give answers and strategies to help, but it can also lead to more unanswered questions

It’s also important for the partner to be accepting of the other partner’s disability. I have had people who said they wouldn’t date me because they couldn’t handle my disability. I also remember a supervisor telling me that I may not find someone because of my disability. She was right that some people did not want a partner with a disability. I had a guy who broke up with me saying that I could drive if I really wanted to and was tired of taking me places. I also had a guy who told me that he didn’t think he could handle my disability. I was lucky to find someone who loved me and was supportive of my disability.

Many people have an image in their head of what constitutes a person with a disability. People either think that a person with a disability can’t do anything or that they have superpowers to accomplish anything. Neither extreme defines what having a disability is truly like. A person with a disability has things that they are good at and things that they struggle with. Many people question whether I have a disability because they can’t see it. The picture of a disability that comes to mind is a person with a physical disability that uses adaptive equipment such as a cane or wheelchair.

People with disabilities should be encouraged to use the language they want to describe their disability. Some individuals with disabilities may feel comfortable sharing what their disability is, and others may not give many details. It is also important for a person with a disability to be able to speak about their feelings about having a disability without judgment. I have felt the pressure to always describe my disabilities only in positive terms. If I shared how I was struggling in a class, people told me that I was too negative or that I shouldn’t feel that way. I also had people tell me that my disability wasn’t so bad or compare my disability to another person’s disability. How I view my disability is an evolving process. I don’t view having a learning disability the same way as I did when I was first diagnosed.

The term disability isn’t a foul word or a shameful secret that someone has to hide. Each person with a disability needs to have the freedom to have their own narrative about their disability. Each person with a disability will experience a disability differently. We can’t control how another person will react when we share our disability status – through sharing our unique stories of having a disability, it will break the stigma and show that disability isn’t a dirty word.