Nethra Silva

When I was twenty, my family moved to the south. The time was tough, and I had to learn many things. I had to manage all the stuff by myself. I loved literature and studied at college for three years. I was born with cerebral palsy, a condition which creates limitations in balance and motor control. I was born with it and had been diagnosed at the age of two years. What’s the issue with using a wheelchair if you still have faith in yourself? The way I think, the way I feel and of course the way I love, never had any limitations. It is true that I couldn’t do all the stuff my friends did at college or high school. I had some physical burdens and I still do love to be at parties, having fun with friends. I wanted to dance with them wearing high heels like other girls did. I wished I could hike and travel somewhere distant.

Nothing would have been possible if I said, “I was born with it, and this is what is destined to be.” I prayed alone and thanked God for being with me in every inch of my life as I have come so far! That was a mysterious journey. That was really a journey full of thrones and demons, but I believe that I was led by angels. No matter how judgmental society was, I had a family full of love who believed and supported me unconditionally. I have never been compared to my siblings. My parents never favored their other kids over me.

I remember my father saying, “If you really want to be someone, imagine your future self and create a story on your own. Remember that’s about your individual self and never compete with someone else in your journey of life. Life is not about a competition or a marathon to run until you find your name on a gravestone. If you found it one day, I assure you there’ll be no more turning points.”

During my school years, I met many people, friends, classmates, and educators who made me a victim of criticisms. My physical condition had nothing to do with it because that was all about their attitudes. Real education is not only about books, exams or whatever we learn in class, but also who we really are? How sensitive and humble are we as humans? I have seen flawless speakers behind hushed personalities. I have found excruciating truths behind jocular individuals. I have seen enemies behind friendships. Also, I have met real humans and made everlasting memories.

When I chose literature, my friends really made fun of me. They truly believed that literature was an indolent subject created for conservative people. Well, I think that depends on individual interest. I saw something specific in literature that my friends never wanted to notice. Honestly, in literature, no one would say which rule to apply where in organizing a phenomenon or a thought. It might be dramatic, poetic, furious or anything related to what someone really feels. The human himself is a sophisticated labyrinth who generates impulses and impressions as an output of continuous electrical mechanism. Each mechanism is endemic to the point of existence. If so, relationships are even more complicated. The root of all these impressions falls into a deep ocean called relationships. I am of course a tiny drop of water in this complex labyrinth with lots of inhibitions and acceptances. Nothing means only one thing and can be ambiguous.

Even though I had less socio-cultural contacts at school time, my mind was keen and obvious. I studied and observed the aspects beyond the surface I could see. Silence doesn’t mean my mind was empty. Also, being too talkative doesn’t make someone is full of answers. I knew it. I had learned it. Some changes in life obviously take time, college made me sensitive towards myself. The experiences made me stronger than a person could ever be.

That marked the beginning of my story’s chapter two. I still remember the moment I first saw him at the door of the main auditorium. I have heard about him, although never seen him in person before. He was wearing a casual suit and black shoes. After a while, I saw him sitting in the middle of the third row with another boy who seemed to be one of his friends.

Usually, the library is a good place to meet someone special for the first time. That seems so filmy and quite dramatic. He accidentally got hit by my wheelchair near the bathroom area.

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to hurt you,” I apologized.

“Nope, the fault was mine. I was busy with the phone,” he slightly laughed and turned back to leave.

Suddenly, he came running to the door of the accessible bathroom and held it for me for a while.

“Thanks so much,” I said.

“What just happened?” my mind whispered silently.

Well, he would have done that for anyone with a wheelchair or crutches, but that was one of the greatest moments in my life. Yeah, it was true that I had known him for so long cause I had a super talent of observation. That might be the influence of literature, I guess. To be frank, he was the only individual I have monitored so far because I had such a great interest. He is still my best choice. He was an artist who had talents in dancing and painting. I had seen his paintings everywhere in the college. There was something special about him. After we got to know each other, I never saw him exhausted even if he danced or did paintings for hours. Most of his paintings were live arts and some were abstracts.

A few days went by, and my two friends who studied music were waiting for me at the canteen. I spent hours discussing, chatting, and sharing my feelings with them until the day I realized they had played with me behind my back. I always expected true friends and true friendships which I have never met.

Once, when I was about to leave the canteen, I saw someone familiar. God! It was him. He was in the row to buy his lunch. To be frank, I didn’t need to buy anything yet, but I wanted to talk to him. He turned back and looked at me. He recognized me, I guess. I didn’t even know what I was talking about at that moment. Maybe I was just blabbering or repeating the same set of words again and again.. I remember one of my teachers from high school saying, if you are in a conversation, make sure to maintain good eye contact. Usually, I had no issues in maintaining eye contact, but that was really a serious conversation for me. I felt like I was experiencing tachycardia. Soon after he went back, I bought a bottle of water and drank half of it. I didn’t really care about the huge audience sitting at tables.

“Who was that guy?” one of my friends asked.

“I’ve known him for so long!” I replied, hiding my expressions.

“Oh! You looked pale and enthusiastic at the same time. I noticed it,” she said.

“Anyway, don’t dream while you still have to take care of a wheelchair! Poor boy!” she smirked.

She may have meant to be sarcastic, but the comment hurt me so bad. She really meant it. One of the most important aspects I learned in life has been that no matter what the relationships we maintain, they deserve to be ones of mutual support and respect. Even in friendship, feelings do play an irreversible role. Using a wheelchair has never bothered me or caused me to be ashamed of myself as I have come through the same path everyone has come so far. Being in a wheelchair doesn’t change the value of someone’s life. Value should never be measured by social acceptance, physical status, or appearance as it is in someone’s soul and attitudes. When I got back home, I opened the cupboard to bring my diary out of the shelf. I started to turn the pages that I had written. That wasn’t the first time my friends made me feel different. Even though I was hurt, I loved the new feeling I was having. I wrote about the incidents and how I really felt about them.

Time changed a lot of things. My friends became so arrogant and ignorant. They really followed their own style of life and were ashamed to accept me as who I was. Sometimes they tricked me with little lies which I caught red-handed. So, I decided to manage by myself and never asked for their support anymore. Sometimes I was exhausted and depressed. I have had battles all over my lifetime. I loved to be at peaceful locations fighting with my depressed thoughts. When my mind tried to convince me that I was not confident enough, I fought back by trusting my own capacities and skills. Sometimes, that made me so disappointed. I felt I was not loved or cared for by anyone on earth. If my parents could hear me, they would have scolded me for hurting myself that bad. I have spent countless nights crying and sighing. When my mentality was falling to the ground, I prayed. I prayed alone for hours in my room or somewhere peaceful. Honestly, all I did was bear with myself. I spent my time reading and analyzing thoughts with existing psychological discoveries. Most authors have described their own experiences during complicated psychological burdens. They have come up with some extraordinary conclusions and theses which were extremely empirical. If I could discriminate, I would say that I had lots of depressive episodes in life but all of them made me realize how strong my mind was to face everything. Some people were extremely surprised by the way I was dealing with my challenging episodes.

After about two months, I was preparing some crystal ornaments for the college concert at Gateway Hall. Suddenly my eyes caught someone in the corner. Wow! That was him! He was practicing his dance. I was staring at him, and he suddenly recognized me. Even though the place was so crowded, we didn’t realize that we were looking at each other for so long. I was distracted by someone tapping on my hand. She said something, yet, I couldn’t catch what she was saying. After a while, we met each other in the basement. That was really a sweet conversation for me, during which, although I talked too much, he listened.

I felt insecure sometimes because I have a loving heart and a pure mind. Sometimes I was smiling alone and laughing too much as my depressive episodes were totally turning into manic episodes. That’s not because I was having bipolar disorder, but the distress had gone away from me. My parents would have noticed a huge difference.

Shakespeare once said “‘time is eternal for those who love.” He might have experienced that. So, what prevents my time being eternal?

I loved dancing. When I was 11, my family and I had a tour to France where I first watched the Swan Lake ballet composed by Tchaikovsky. Not only ballets but also any sort of western dance made me enthusiastic. My enthusiasm was awakened by that special guy I met at the college. I always loved to see him dancing in his own rhythm and unique style. Everyone on earth is special. Nothing can be compared. That reveals the immense beauty of diversity.

Time was too quick to fly away. My colleagues from literature class and I created a theater drama for the concert. That was really a clear image of human emotions and consequences of social actions. I included the reflective consequences I had faced as a young lady with a wheelchair. Yeah, I had a script. That was my personal diary. It has touched very subtle feelings and areas of emotions that I had experienced all those years. I feel that anyone who reads the script I wrote from my diary entries would say “I could read your mind.”

On the day of the concert, I was pursuing the signals of my mind and heart simultaneously. I was watching his exceptional performances on the stage. He looked marvelous in his black and white outfit with a ‘Jipijapa’ Panamanian hat. To be honest, human relationships are not a collection of many sub-categories which comes secondary to a superior framework. All of them are separated categories with specific beats and rhythms. These rhythms of course create melodies, specified to each set of impulses in the same way that every relationship creates a melody in relation to its own rhythmic organization.

I would say I found the beat. It was him whom I expected to see anywhere I went. Yet, how can I expect him to choose me as his best melody? It’s been one year that we have known each other yet; he might not know how I was feeling. Relationships hold many forms. One of the best forms I would say is mental relationships with hope. A strong mentality is a gift for an individual. That was so true for me. Even though time passes, melodies never disappear and are composed in heart. I had never known that I was so sensitive and emotional until I met him. People need love, care, relationships, hope and faith.

“So, what prevents me from loving someone, while I am still having a heart full of love and a brain full of thoughts as everyone else in this world does?” my mind whispered.